you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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