I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
