Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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