His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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