I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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