Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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