I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
