Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
