I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
