I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
