Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
