Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
