She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
