Rock
Scissors
Fuck
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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