why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
