My friends, they love my intelligence
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
where are my eyebrows?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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