I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
