I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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