He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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