She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
