hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
