Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize