I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
