Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
