Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
