Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
