remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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