Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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