I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
