Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
