If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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