Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
