I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
