rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
