I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize