Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
