eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize