I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
