remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
