I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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