you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We left the knife in your bed.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
