He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
