I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
