I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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