i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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