I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
