Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
