her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
