Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
