I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
