hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How does one acquire holy water?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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