Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
