dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize