your parents love me but you hate me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
