Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
