woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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