I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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