glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
