dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
