This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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