hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
