She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
