I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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