I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
